A Star in her Mom's Eyes

I've never been the best at anything. Sure, there have been many things that I would say I was good at, but there was always someone better. The one thing that I was sure I was going to be the best at was Motherhood. Growing up, I dreamed of becoming a mother and having tons of babies - at first I thought I would have eight, but then lowered my expectations to a more realistic six. I was sure that I had the personality, the ability to nurture, the patience, the talent and creativity to be the best mom ever. I was sure of it. Turns out I had no idea who I really was. This person, who I thought was the perfect mom candidate, was just not me. Now, I'm not saying that I'm a bad mom, because I know that I'm a good mom most of the time, but what I am saying is that motherhood has not come as easily to me as I just assumed it would. One thing hasn't changed. I still believe motherhood to be the most valuable experience I could possibly have, and I would never give it back (well, most days, anyway). The other thing that worked out for me in my life plan, is that I was fortunate enough to marry a man who completely supports me in being a stay-at-home-mom. There have been times in the past eight years of motherhood, that I have felt a need to contribute financially to our family. Maybe it was a little bit of me feeling like I needed something more than being a mom. But whatever the reason, my husband made me realize that what I was doing, staying home to raise our children, was more valuable than any amount of income that I could contribute. I'm pretty sure he was right about that. I know that this is where I belong, and even on the bad days, I know that my children are happy that I am here.

One of the things that I cannot handle well as a mother, is seeing my children be disappointed. I know that life is full of disappointment, and I've sure had my share of it. I suppose you could say that getting disappointed here and there helps to shape a person into who they are. Frankly, I could live without it. I recently had to do something that I'm sure all parents dread. I had to be the bearer of bad news to my beautiful little girl.

My daughter, Jaryn, is eight years old. She has been very fortunate in the past two years to be able to participate in two high school musicals. We had the advantage of hearing about the casting call through my husband, who is a music teacher at this high school. However, Jaryn still had to audition for the parts, as did other children, not all of which were given a role. Jaryn had had previous experiences with singing solos. She has a pretty little voice and good pitch. She also has a strong personality and is fairly confident. But I discovered something as I watched her audition for the first musical "The Sound of Music". When Jaryn got up to do her piece, she sang sweetly, but was very timid. She was hardly audible during speaking parts, and she played with her shirt the entire time. She was like me! I'm confident that I can get up on stage and pull off just about anything, but I'm terrible at auditioning. Fortunately, they gave Jaryn the opportunity to play "Gretl" in the show. It was a large role for a girl of seven, but she completely stole the audience. She was also given a small role in "The Music Man" which finished in January. She thoroughly enjoyed these experiences, so much so, that when a casting call was issued for a local professional production of "Annie", Jaryn was bound and determined to audition. Although we tried to tell her that the competition for this show would be on a completely different level, we could tell that her expectations of getting some part in the show were high. Jaryn's cousin Navah, who is eleven, also decided to audition. Navah is very talented. She hasn't had the same opportunities as Jaryn has, but if anyone should be on the stage, it should be Navah.

The auditions came and went, with the promise of an email to let everyone know the results of their audition. My husband was the one to receive the "Annie Regrets" email, first. When he told me, I'll admit that I wasn't surprised, but my heart broke for Jaryn, as I knew that she would be surprised. I wondered how I would tell her the bad news. She was having a bath at the time, and I decided that the best thing to do was to just go in and tell her. I was scared. I was sad, and had no idea what her reaction would be.

I walked into the bathroom, where my beautiful little girl was lying in the bubbles, and I said "Jaryn, we got the email, and I'm really sorry, but they don't have a part for you in this show." She looked up at me with huge eyes, saddened by the news, and said "why, mommy?" I went on to tell her what the email had said, that although she had a beautiful voice with great pitch, they were looking for someone with a more boisterous voice. She was very sad, but didn't cry. Then she looked up suddenly and said "mommy, did Navah get a part". I told her that I didn't know. She looked at me with hope in her eyes and said, "mommy, I really hope that Navah gets a part, because she has never had the chance to be in a musical before, and she deserves it!"

It's moments like these when you realize that children have huge hearts. I was so relieved that she took the news so well. She still continued to ask questions about why they didn't have a part for her, but she was very accepting about the whole thing. My sweet little girl will always be a star in my eyes.