I often spend time fantasizing about what it would be like, as a woman, to have a mother. I have seen examples of women who’s mothers are their best friends. I also know of women who can only tolerate their mothers in small doses. I have heard of women who resent their mothers, and even women who are not speaking to their mothers. Mother and daughter relationships can vary so much. Since I was only five when I lost my mother, I really have no experience, or at least no recollection of my relationship with my mother. It is something that I am so curious about. If my mother was alive today, who would she be to me?
There are so many possibilities, when I think about it, of how things could be for me if I had a mother at this point in my life. Would I be able to call her up anytime and say, “Mom, I’m dying here. I really need a break. Could I drop the kids off for a couple of hours?” Oh, how I envy the women who have that kind of relationship with their mothers.
Would she have been by my side during those first weeks of being a new mother, cooking, cleaning, walking with the baby so I could have the sleep I so desperately needed? Would I spend hours upon hours every week talking with her, or having marathon phone conversations? Would we come up with absurd skits together, and laugh our faces off at each other? Would we sing together in harmony, bake together at Christmas, and spend hours out together, having lunch and shopping? Would I help her to stay young by keeping her in stylish clothes and hip hairdo’s? She would be sixty-five now, had she lived. Maybe she’d be completely gray and wearing unflattering, unfashionable clothes. Would that matter to me?
Maybe my mom and I would be too different. Maybe we wouldn’t always get along so well, and avoid spending time together. It’s possible that my mom would not have appreciated my sense of humour. I’ve learned that she had a great sense of humour. She loved Carol Burnett. She was also a lover of good and pure things. Sometimes when I write, or even speak, my thoughts can come across as bold, even questionable. I have a feeling that my mom might not have been able to deal with my candidness, at times.
If my mother had lived, would I be the same woman I am today? Would I be more successful in the eyes of the world? Would I have less emotional baggage - less regrets? Would I have done more things to my full potential? Would I have been a scholar because I had my mom to keep me on track, support me, help me and guide me? Would I have experienced less disappointment, and wasted less time because my mother was there to give me that kick in the butt that I needed so badly? Would I be a better writer, musician, actress, and artist, because she was so strong in those areas? Maybe I wouldn’t even like the arts, because I could have been one of those women who does NOT want to become her mother.
I could have been more rebellious, had I had a mother. Being one of six children raised by my dad, I didn’t have rules, so much as expectations. I think, rather than verbally giving us rules of what NOT to do, my dad led by example, hoping that guilt would keep us in line. Guilt did keep us in line most of the time. We love our dad so much, that doing anything that would hurt him would be too much guilt to bear. Did we never go astray? No. We definitely did. But knowing the pain that we could cause our dad, we protected him as much as possible, and it helped us to get back on track. Maybe if mom had lived, we wouldn’t have worried so much about disappointing our dad, because he had her to lean on.
I could speculate on so many things, but it all comes down to the fact that I didn’t know my mother. I have read her journals and gathered bits and pieces of information from family and friends who knew her, which has really helped me to feel that I know some things of what she was like. Do I feel ripped off? Of course I do! It doesn’t mean that I think my life would be 100 percent better if she was alive, it just means that I was robbed of the experience of knowing my mother. I can go on forever with the what ifs and the maybes, but the reality is that I will never know what it’s like to have a mother. So for now, I will continue to fantasize about my life if things had been different - if that one tragedy that defines me had never happened.
I don't know who I am anymore. Some of you may remember my post just a couple of days ago, about how I scream at the sight of a mouse. I'm afraid that my motherly tendencies have gone a bit far this time. We had set a trap last week and caught a mouse after finding it had found it's way into a sealed Tupperware cont...ainer of flour. We set another one, because if there is one mouse, there's usually more. We didn't catch any the first day, and then, I saw out of the corner of my eye, this scurrying ball. I screamed. Then I watched as it scrambled over to the bottom cupboards and tried to climb up into one of them, sliding back down each time. IT WAS A BABY! It was so tiny and cute and helpless! (stop it! It's a rodent!) We immediately got rid of the trap, because it was just unfair. The mouse came out at the same time the next evening, right after I had finished cleaning up dinner. Same thing. Totally defenseless. This morning, it followed me into the small bathroom beside the kitchen, where I was putting on makeup. It just looked so lost. It didn't know what to do or where to go. Oh my gosh, we killed it's mother! A poor little orphaned baby mouse. If you know me well, you know that I am a people person. I have never been close with an animal in my life. I don't take notice of animals, and I've never had a desire to touch one. I'M TERRIFIED OF DOGS! I turned over Max's step stool, and the little guy scurried right in. That's right. I actually HELPED a rodent to live! I let him go free outside. A few hours later, Max and I came home from shopping, and Max stayed out to shoot some baskets while I brought the bags into the house. Within seconds, he was calling me. I went out, and there was the tiny baby mouse walking in circles in the driveway, right beside Max! I couldn't take it anymore. I had no idea what to do with it. I didn't know what to put it in, but I knew I had to help it. I grabbed the recycling box, which was deep enough that the mouse shouldn't be able to climb out of it, but spacious enough that it would have room to move. I lined it with newspaper (no idea what I'm doing), and watched as the little guy crawled into it on it's side. I brought it INTO MY HOUSE and set it in the mudroom. Yes, I did this. I willingly brought a rodent INTO my house!!!!! Who am I anyway???? I cut the bottom of a paper cup out to make a small dish, then filled it with some sunflower seeds. I don't know what to give it! It took one into it's tiny little hands (? or whatever it is that mice have), and started to eat it right away. *sigh* What have I done? Max is totally fascinated, and keeps saying to me, "Mom, are we caring for this mouse?" and I tell him yes, and then he says, "It's so nice of you to care for this mouse, mom." He can't believe it either. Shhhh! I just checked on it, and I think it's sleeping. That's good. I think. A minute ago, Max was playing him a song through a cardboard tube, which was probably comparable to a human having to listen to a continuous burst of feedback. What am I going to do?
There's this familiar sound that happens early on Saturday mornings in the spring. It's one that, while in the barely conscious, mostly asleep state of 6:30 a.m. on the weekend, you recognize, but can't quite figure out for a few minutes. The continuous sound of car doors slamming, the slowing of the vehicles which eventually come to a stop, and the killing of the engines, and even the vehicles that slow right down, almost stopping, but then drive away quickly. Someone's having a yard sale.
I'll admit that it's not the worst sound to be awoken by. Not like the sound of our basement-dwelling landlord power-washing our bedroom window at 6:00 a.m. on a Saturday morning - and this was before we had kids! But I do feel a certain amount of invasion when there is a yard sale in our normally quiet neighborhood.
Yard sales, and more specifically yard sale people (because I do classify them as a personality-type), fascinate me. I don't have anything against these bargain hunters, but I do admit that I have a hard time understanding some of them. I have a bit of a theory about them, of course, it's totally a generalization, but I think that a lot of these yard sale people feel that they don't deserve new, unused things. I will never forget this lady who tried to buy my half-used container of Lysol cleaning wipes that I had left on the table after cleaning it. I wanted to hug her and say, "You deserve to go out to a store and buy yourself and brand new container of Lysol wipes! You are worth that much!" Maybe I'm way off. Maybe it really is all about hunting out perfectly good items, and paying very little for them. I can respect that. But have you ever noticed that it's the junk that gets purchased at yard sales? If you've had one yourself, then you probably have seen this happen. It's the stuff that you just put out in hopes to really get rid of it - that box of old nails, some used gift bags, etc. that always seems to go.
We held a yard sale at our house two years ago. I had a lot of anxiety about it, since I do not like yard sales, but even I knew that it had to be done. I have a hard time with people picking through all of our garbage. Of course, a lot of the items were not garbage, and could be very useful to someone else, but ultimately, it was stuff that we didn't want to have around anymore. I felt a bit self-conscious about the whole thing. What if people didn't like our crap? What if our junk wasn't good enough? How do you put a price on stuff that you just want to get rid of? It's sort of like saying, "If you pay me, I'll let you take my garbage home". I'm exaggerating about the garbage thing, but if you really loved something and wanted to keep it, then you wouldn't be trying to get rid of it. And what's with people trying to get your stuff for even cheaper? Do you know how painful a task it is to go through and think about prices? If something is marked 25 cents, can't you just accept it? Why do you have to try to get it for 20 cents? Are you really thinking, 'well I'd pay 20 cents, but it's definitely not worth 25'. Quite honestly, during our yard sale, I spent most of the time hiding inside the house and peeking out the window at what was going down.
I know so many people who love yard sale-ing! People who don't need to buy second-hand, but just like to do so. People who save their change all week, do the research on where the best sales are happening, make a plan of attack, and head out bright and early on Saturday mornings to enjoy their day of hunting for bargains. I don't want to offend these people. If it gives them joy, then that's great. I totally understand people who are less fortunate, and really do need to buy things that are used, simply for the fact that they cost much less. God bless those people! I wish them to find all the best deals. But let's face it, it's not the poor, ragged-looking people with 10 kids covered in dirt who show up to your yard sale. If these people did come, I would just give them anything they wanted. However, it's the women who pull up in their shiny luxury cars, step out with that look of the best of everything, and come and sort through your unwanted things with a scowl on their face. I feel like saying, "Lady! What business do you have being at a yard sale and looking down on my junk?" But I don't. Some might argue that people like that are rich because they've always known how to save money and find a deal. That's fine, and more power to them.
I know that a lot of people who have many children choose to shop second-hand for their clothing. It's true that kids grow so quickly, and children's clothing can be very costly. For this reason, I only usually buy things after they go on sale. Sometimes, you can go into a quality children's clothing store, and buy items for under $5! Items that have never been peed in, puked on, sweat in, etc. I love finding good deals that way. Maybe the second-hand shoppers are finding things for much less than that. I know they sometimes find things that have never been worn - tags still on, and well, I guess that makes it worth it for them.
It is now that time of year when so many of us are looking at all the things in the basement that haven't been used in the past year...or 10 years, and thinking about gathering it all together for a yard sale. I obviously dread the thought, but I know it needs to be done. I donate clothing to charities almost on a monthly basis, but there's still a lot of stuff that needs to go. Hopefully, some of these things can make someone happy. I know there's a bit of money to be made too, but with all the time and work that goes into preparing for a yard sale, I have to wonder if it's worth it. I might try to take notes in the background to try and discover even more stereotypes of yard sale people. I need to make this daunting task more fun for myself.
If you have children, I'm hoping that you will be able to relate to this post. Is it just me, or is there a "spaz-out dance" that children do when they are getting ready for school and everything is uncomfortable? Please tell me you know what I'm talking about! They can be fully dressed and then something just snaps, and they break into the dance. I find this happens mostly during the winter months, aka snowsuit weather. Admittedly, I would not be thrilled to have to gear up each morning with snow pants, big boots, a puffy coat, a toque and mittens. However, I'm also not planning on spending a significant amount of time out in the snow. My daughter thinks that I am torturing her - making her wear all these layers of warm clothing. But as a mother, the thought of your child being outside for almost an hour in the cold winter weather, and not being warm enough, is a painful one. But tell me how it is that everything feels comfortable and right when they are dressing for outdoors at school? You KNOW that they are not doing the spaz-out dance there. No, this is one of those private performances for parents only.
My daughter's usual complaints are about her coat being too puffy and it making her look fat. Her boots are so uncomfortable, and she can't get them on. Does she have to wear snow pants? It's not even snowing out! Her fingers will not go into these gloves at all, scarves choke her, and that hat messes her hair and gives her static-cling. I'm wondering why children's clothing manufacturers make their clothes so darn uncomfortable?
One of my sisters has a daughter (who will remain nameless), who did the spaz-out dance every morning after she got dressed. She would just snap, and spaz-out, screaming, "There's pits in my socks!" Apparently, the corners of the seams at the toes of her socks had a hard little ball, which she referred to as pits. She did this every morning for awhile, until my sister was able to find her some seedless socks.
I have learned that the more I react to the spaz-out dance, the more lively the performance is. When it is brought to my attention so abruptly on our way out the door in the mornings, that everything feels uncomfortable and itchy, I now ignore it and it goes away...until the next morning.
I've never been the best at anything. Sure, there have been many things that I would say I was good at, but there was always someone better. The one thing that I was sure I was going to be the best at was Motherhood. Growing up, I dreamed of becoming a mother and having tons of babies - at first I thought I would have eight, but then lowered my expectations to a more realistic six. I was sure that I had the personality, the ability to nurture, the patience, the talent and creativity to be the best mom ever. I was sure of it. Turns out I had no idea who I really was. This person, who I thought was the perfect mom candidate, was just not me. Now, I'm not saying that I'm a bad mom, because I know that I'm a good mom most of the time, but what I am saying is that motherhood has not come as easily to me as I just assumed it would. One thing hasn't changed. I still believe motherhood to be the most valuable experience I could possibly have, and I would never give it back (well, most days, anyway). The other thing that worked out for me in my life plan, is that I was fortunate enough to marry a man who completely supports me in being a stay-at-home-mom. There have been times in the past eight years of motherhood, that I have felt a need to contribute financially to our family. Maybe it was a little bit of me feeling like I needed something more than being a mom. But whatever the reason, my husband made me realize that what I was doing, staying home to raise our children, was more valuable than any amount of income that I could contribute. I'm pretty sure he was right about that. I know that this is where I belong, and even on the bad days, I know that my children are happy that I am here.
One of the things that I cannot handle well as a mother, is seeing my children be disappointed. I know that life is full of disappointment, and I've sure had my share of it. I suppose you could say that getting disappointed here and there helps to shape a person into who they are. Frankly, I could live without it. I recently had to do something that I'm sure all parents dread. I had to be the bearer of bad news to my beautiful little girl.
My daughter, Jaryn, is eight years old. She has been very fortunate in the past two years to be able to participate in two high school musicals. We had the advantage of hearing about the casting call through my husband, who is a music teacher at this high school. However, Jaryn still had to audition for the parts, as did other children, not all of which were given a role. Jaryn had had previous experiences with singing solos. She has a pretty little voice and good pitch. She also has a strong personality and is fairly confident. But I discovered something as I watched her audition for the first musical "The Sound of Music". When Jaryn got up to do her piece, she sang sweetly, but was very timid. She was hardly audible during speaking parts, and she played with her shirt the entire time. She was like me! I'm confident that I can get up on stage and pull off just about anything, but I'm terrible at auditioning. Fortunately, they gave Jaryn the opportunity to play "Gretl" in the show. It was a large role for a girl of seven, but she completely stole the audience. She was also given a small role in "The Music Man" which finished in January. She thoroughly enjoyed these experiences, so much so, that when a casting call was issued for a local professional production of "Annie", Jaryn was bound and determined to audition. Although we tried to tell her that the competition for this show would be on a completely different level, we could tell that her expectations of getting some part in the show were high. Jaryn's cousin Navah, who is eleven, also decided to audition. Navah is very talented. She hasn't had the same opportunities as Jaryn has, but if anyone should be on the stage, it should be Navah.
The auditions came and went, with the promise of an email to let everyone know the results of their audition. My husband was the one to receive the "Annie Regrets" email, first. When he told me, I'll admit that I wasn't surprised, but my heart broke for Jaryn, as I knew that she would be surprised. I wondered how I would tell her the bad news. She was having a bath at the time, and I decided that the best thing to do was to just go in and tell her. I was scared. I was sad, and had no idea what her reaction would be.
I walked into the bathroom, where my beautiful little girl was lying in the bubbles, and I said "Jaryn, we got the email, and I'm really sorry, but they don't have a part for you in this show." She looked up at me with huge eyes, saddened by the news, and said "why, mommy?" I went on to tell her what the email had said, that although she had a beautiful voice with great pitch, they were looking for someone with a more boisterous voice. She was very sad, but didn't cry. Then she looked up suddenly and said "mommy, did Navah get a part". I told her that I didn't know. She looked at me with hope in her eyes and said, "mommy, I really hope that Navah gets a part, because she has never had the chance to be in a musical before, and she deserves it!"
It's moments like these when you realize that children have huge hearts. I was so relieved that she took the news so well. She still continued to ask questions about why they didn't have a part for her, but she was very accepting about the whole thing. My sweet little girl will always be a star in my eyes.
Well, it took me awhile to get started, but I am now officially a blogger. I wanted to start blogging for several reasons. Firstly, I thought that it could act as a journal of my days as a stay-at-home mom. I seem to spend enough time on the computer, that I figured it may be less of a task to just whip up a blog here and there. I also really enjoy writing. I always have enjoyed it, but have lacked confidence in my abilities. However, I have had more opportunities to be creative in script, lately, with the help of Facebook. I have really enjoyed being able to write personal tidbits and share them with friends. Many of my friends have been very encouraging, and have shown great appreciation for the things that I have written. This has inspired me to keep on writing and share my life with others.
I don't necessarily have a fascinating life, full of exciting adventures. However, being a stay-at-home mom comes with a lot of it's own adventure-type scenarios, and I've definitely had those experiences in spades. Like most moms, I believe that my children say the most incredible things. They sure know how to lighten a situation, and are always making me laugh on a daily basis. It is not uncommon for me to want to share these moments with people. Most of the time, they can appreciate my little story almost as much as I did when it happened in the first place.
I suppose I should introduce myself. My name is Tara. I am married. My husband is a high school music teacher/jazz musician. We have been married for thirteen years. I have a daughter who is eight years old, and a son who is three. As I mentioned before, I am a stay-at-home mom, and have been since my daughter was born. I love being home and fully raising my children. I live in a small city with a population of about eighteen thousand. I was born and raised here, and have returned here to raise my family. That is my basic information. You'll learn much more about me in blogs to come.
